Shoe hurler plots stiletto attack on former President Bush

Yes, let the bells of freedom ring loud! The infamous Iraqi who threw a mean splitfinger fastball in the form of foot attire at our lovable dufus W is set for early release.

Word is the Bush family is building a shoe-proof barricade, similar to the Mexican Wall, around their Crawford compound. The former president refuses to stop clearing brush, so the feds will have to extend the wall out further.

The Department of Homeland Security has also issued the newest acronym that threatens America's shores: LMD, or Loafer of Mass Destruction. And President Obama is now requesting that reporters remove their shoes outside of the briefing room before news conferences begin.

OK, the shoe hilarity will come to a halt, but remember one thing: Never trust an Iraqi wearing one loafer.

Vacation is a beautiful thing despite ugliness of tourists

Mountains, cool lake air...the serenity of nature is an exquisite thing. Spotting deer and black bear can make the outdoors in a place like Western Maryland even more enjoyable.

But there is another species that one can never escape while on vacation. The human species.

It seems we spread everywhere, like the plague, bringing along with us our motorized dependency -- from SUV to powerboat to jet ski to ATV -- and our ADD-infused impatience and downright ignorance.

On the motorized point, a cavalry of meatheads and their combustion engines speeding up and down a lake somehow takes away from the natural ebb and flow of a freshwater lake and the soothing breeze brushing along the shoreline. Not to mention the fluids and fuel that inevitably are released from at least some of the watercraft warriors' choice of transportation.

In the short term, this may be good old-fashioned fun, but in the long term, it does not paint a rosy picture for a lake's overall water quality.

Give us time, and we can mess up anything. And water is one resource, whether under the ground or on the surface, that we just don't seem to comprehend the fragility and importance of.

So while the dipshits of the nation trash their land and bitch about those good old standbys -- gas and oil prices -- maybe we should be renewing a focus on a little resource known as the source of all life.

Real Americans at health care town hall turn out to be Real Idiots

It's Jerry Springer democracy, folks! Made in the USA!! All that's missing is Steve the Bodyguard.

Sometimes I think authoritarian rule might be a good thing for ill-informed citizens who toe their party line 'til death. Primary season would be a lot less excruciating, and we could just rotate from one dipshit party to the next every four years.

All this freedom for Americans only allows us to freely exercise our stupidity and ignorance. The exercise in democracy is: One side bitches, one side moans and nothing gets done. Throw in some seriously skewed math, and you have the recipe for some congressional clusterfuck legislation.

My concern is always cost when it comes to government initiatives, but I'm not going to just yell and shake cardboard signs in front of the face of those I disagree with. Even if it is a solid stimulus package for construction paper manufacturers.

Do the words "constructive debate" mean anything anymore? And though it's good media fodder, do we really need to encourage cable news networks?

Here's a simple rule to follow for my fellow citizens: If you get your information from your favorite news anchor or radio host, step away from the microphone and proceed to shut the fuck up.

Pitchman liked the powder, but at least he didn't beat up a prostitute

Though the deceased have been mostly off limits for me, other than my rant about the gloved one, I couldn't contain my cynical, sarcastic self on this one. Father forgive me.

I don't know who in the hell would watch the show Pitchmen, or infomercials, but some folks are no doubt mourning the loss of Billy Mays. Those of you who have the Crocodile Cutter, Ding King or Lint-Be-Gone, please don't take offense. To each his or her own, no matter how you do your household product shopping.

But do the people who live in this country really need more consumerism pushed in their face? We just accumulate plastic and crap, and then what? No, I do not belong to the Socialist Party, but there's excess with everything, even the holy hog of capitalism.

What's shocking to me is that a guy who got jacked up about vacuum cleaners and sponges was doing cocaine. I mean, next thing we know, the ShamWow guy will be beating up prostitutes -- wait a minute...

Bubba shakes his tail feather for reporters' freedom

Man, that dude is smooth. Saxophone or no saxophone, Slick Willy is one bad mofo.

While his wife is hustling as secretary of state and the current president did his own intercontinental agenda outing before Operation Clintonites could fully launch, all Bill had to do was get on one simple flight to the most closed society in the world outside of Myanmar or Burma -- whichever one it's named this week -- and magic happened.

Kim Jong-Il wasn't prepared for Bubba to show up at his front step and go all Rico Suave on his ass. All the crazy Korean guy wanted was some attention, really. He's like the kid with the coolest new toy -- i.e. nuclear weapons -- and the other kids on the playground still blow him off.

But if anyone should take credit, shouldn't it be, Mr. Bill Bashful himself? I mean, he's been craving attention as well, so it just might have been a perfect fit. One man neglected by the mean old international community and one man neglected by his mean old wife.

Next stop for hikers captured in Iran? Darfur hostel tour

As a person who enjoys hiking in the outdoors, I couldn't help but wonder what in the hell the American hikers now being held in Iran were thinking.

I've had my share of adventure, from skydiving to poisonous snakes to rafting down the mighty Zambezi, but strapping on the boots for a stroll through America's buddies in the Middle East just does not spark a fire in me.

I mean, sure I've always wanted to run a falafel stand in Fallujah, but that's purely a business venture. And though the mountainous terrain in northern Iraq probably has some pretty sights that no one would expect, there's something about a war still going on and a neighbor flexing their nuclear muscles that isn't very appealing for outdoor serenity.

Who knows? Maybe the Appalachian Trail really does run from Georgia to Baghdad like my illiterate uncle always told me.

"Charged with being a black homeowner in Mass." episode not presidential business

Though President Obama is our first black president, that does not mean he should feel obligated to comment on every little racial flare-up of potential ignorance or race-card dealing. Despite his election, racism will never die in this country, sadly. People will always judge and label other people.

And even though Mr. Gates sounded like a grade-A asshole as far as his comments, anybody would get angry in that situation. The police officer should be better than that and the professional in the matter. It's not worth the energy of putting on the cuffs or filling out the paperwork.

The black community and the police don't exactly have a rosy history. If people don't recognize that, they'll never come close to understanding the tension simmering below the surface. It's not like some of the uglier days in American history, when half the force in Mississippi was in the Klan, but people still have a long way to go.

As far as what President Obama could be doing:

How about dealing with some money management, so the generations ahead don't break their collective back picking up the future tab? Or how about some real energy solutions and simultaneous new job creation? Maybe deal with immigration which would knock out a lot of the uninsured masses that are part of the health care hoopla?

Though I'm throwing all this out there, I'm avoiding the true monumental matter at hand for our president: Ensuring that Paula Abdul is gainfully employed and reconciled with American Idol.

Telecommuting is all about the Benjamins

After enjoying an Internet outage, along with no phone service, in my newsroom of employment today, I couldn't help but think of one word: "telecommute." When your building is an urban dinosaur, and your IT infrastructure hearkens back to the days of rustproof Commodore 64s, it is time to rethink your business model.

To stay ahead of the curve, it's got to be all about having mobile staff members with mobile communicating capabilities -- possibly with a smaller, sleeker nerve center with a few key personnel. Between instant messaging on computers, to iPhones and BlackBerries, a newsroom should be a room constantly on the move.

Sure, some laptops for employees, along with fancified phones of choice would rack up some bills, but it would even out in the end with happier employers and lower overhead for workspace.

Working in a city with creaky, crumbling infrastructure, and still keeping up with the pulse of current, fresh reporting does not jive together. I am no Wolf Blitzer, but you don't need a Situation Room to realize this is not breaking news.

CIA kept Congress in the dark; Nancy Pelosi dies a little inside

(AP Photo)

Why is a CIA program to assassinate terrorists news of any kind? OK, keeping it from Congress might have been kinda slimy, but government is a slimy business.

The less those special people on the Hill know, i.e. our government, the higher the odds are of accomplishing something.

And I realize they're cute and cuddly, but behind those fuzzy terrorist beards of benevolence, lies some people with serious issues. The sage advice of Rodney King comes to mind: "Can't we all just get along??"

But really, don't folks know that the Central Intelligence Agency has been whacking people all over the world since our country began meddling in other's affairs, which goes back quite far.

During the Cold War, continents were played like a checkerboard between the USSR and USA. Leaders were propped up or pushed out depending on who's agenda the nudging was being done on behalf of.

Those that follow the mantra of "Let's blow shit up" probably wouldn't attend a peace, love and happiness Oslo Summit-type gathering regardless of how many virgins were promised, so do we really think we could play nicey nice? Or is it just the fact that the House and Senate didn't get to debate their wrinkled, old asses off until the sun came up?

I'm no diplomat, nor am I a proctologist, but neither scenario sounds very attractive.

Senator slips, asks Sotomayor for extra linens before she goes

As the marathon nomination hearing of Sonia Sotomayor continues, more and more people are coming down with C-SPAN fever. With the latest addition of Al Franken, the cast of Cocoon, aka the Senate is a regular Animal House.

However, one can't help but wonder, don't you question-filled crackers (yes, i went there, and i'm not even a wise latina) have more important matters to attend to?

I realize things have been just peachy keen for the past eight years and running, but maybe there's some legislation laying around that could be worked on. It's wonderful to fill the atmosphere with all that hot air coming out of your mouth, but then you're just playing into Al Gore's hands -- gasp, the horror!

For every second they go over their allowed time, the guilty senator should take a pay cut, or lose one of their Asian mistresses. These douchebags know how they're going to vote, but have to play party politics and put on what they think is a show since it's the only time they're exciting enough to be in The Situation Room.

Unless a Supreme Court nominee has a history like OJ Simpson, odds are pretty good that whomever the president is, they will get their judicial choice.

So, my dear Senators, shut the fuck up and check yes or no. It doesn't take a wise Latina to figure that one out.

Ghana ga-ga for Obama; Elephants still on the fence

As President Obama wraps up his whirlwind world tour with the traditional final stop on any American president's foreign relations glad-handing photo-op junket -- the continent of Africa -- let's see how long it takes for the collective media world to go back to ignoring that far-away place with all the dark folks.

If you drew a map of the world according to Western media coverage, the Middle East would be gargantuan and Africa would be the size of Rhode Island. Not that that sets the political agenda, but in our ADD/Idiot Empire, it's good to wake people up every so often to the real world -- and not the brain dead MTV reality show.

I just hope the first African-American president takes advantage of the opportunity he has to really reach out in a real, concrete way to the first continent of his hyphenated ethnicity.

Colonialism ended quite a while ago, but the relationship between the so-called international community and Africa still appears to be a resource-based, materialistic venture, no matter which country is being discussed on the massive, diverse continent.

The best approach for any impoverished nation lies right below the public servants we elect. It's the dirt, stupid.

Our best partnership potential with actual long-term significance would be aimed at sustainable agriculture. Farmer exchange programs, soil scientists, hydrologists and land conservationists all could play a pivotal role in helping each African nation find their best crop options.

If it was framed as saving donor money spent shipping food aid to countries ship overseas, maybe then the roots would be planted for that thing that was so popular some months ago: change. Sadly, dollar bills do seem to be the international language.

Call me crazy, but it's something about food and jobs that can really help the stability of a country.

Media refuses to let MJ rest in peace

The passing of the gloved one has brought the idiocy of cable news networks to the fore.

OK, so he was a major entertainer -- at least when he was black -- and, yes, I rented "The Making of Thriller" multiple times as a teenager, but enough already. Do we really need overhead shots of a funeral procession?

And then to hear of a gold casket worth over $20,000 is just nauseating. Did anyone shop around? I mean, he's not doing the moonwalk in there, people.

One suggestion I would have would be to turn Neverland into either a homeless shelter or an orphanage. With the accusations of child molestation, I think turning it into an orphanage would be quite fitting. Plus, he can't touch the kids when he's six feet under.

Before Webster and Bubbles come to whoop my ass, I better do what I want the media world to do: Let MJ rest in peace.

Little people play the height card

As a vertically challenged person, I couldn't help but notice the news related to that verbal dagger amongst my kind, the word "midget."

To be honest, I was still digesting the fact that there's a Little People of America group before getting to their call for FCC action concerning the wee little word.

To say it's akin to a racial slur is a bit short-sighted, pun intended.

Come on, jockeys of the nation, is it really that bad? I mean, Herve Villechaize got to live on Fantasy Island. Plus, we all get to carpool around in our clown car to save gas.

As an added bonus, due to being short and hairy, I also enjoy a lifetime pass to the Ewok Village.

So with all those perks, I just don't see how this is even a problem.

Palin resigns; Moose and elk flood streets in celebration

She's resigning, you betcha.

However, the GOP can look forward to Sarah Palin, as well as the delightful Newt Gingrich, for their 2012 presidential choices. I can already see a nasty column headline in the making, "Newt and the Nitwit."

After visiting the state of Alaska, I think the folks there could get along pretty well without the guidance of a governor, even though the power of a soccer mom should never be underestimated. Particularly one that is such a diehard naturalist that she embraces Mother Earth and her natural wonders by shooting game from a helicopter. Much like the ancient peoples of her great state once did.

Either way, the lady is not going anywhere. If people are capable of voting for George W. Bush twice, she has just as good a chance as anybody.

In the meantime, the Republican Party can fill the bitch and moan role that the Democrats always fill so well.

Plus, they have Dick Cheney's upcoming book to look forward to, which will be written in baby's blood. And not to be forgotten by fans of literature is W's much-anticipated novella, "Cat Goes Meow, Dog Goes Woof."

Senator Franken, Governor Schwarzenegger, Ambassador Roker?

(AP Photo)

As I'm prepping for tuck-in time, the thought of oncoming nightmares about a celebrity-run democracy is truly terrifying.

If those in the celeb spotlight who enjoy sharing their glorious opinions with us regular folks take the next step and seek office, then soon it will be Representative Billy Bob Thornton, Senator Ryan Seacrest and Ambassador Al Roker.

Of course, the ratings for C-SPAN would go through the roof. And most importantly, civic involvement would be re-ignited in this country, especially on the filibuster nights when Sinbad argues with Carrot Top about growing challenges in the Horn of Africa.

Sweet dreams...

Iraq's double dip of freedom fries

(AP Photo)

This week, U.S. troops leave Iraq's cities. On a more petroleum-based note -- it is the Middle East after all -- the country will also begin auctioning rights to its oil fields.

However, six-plus years later, and there is no guarantee of anywhere near a clean, outright exit for the American military. Who really knows if the militias of the country will begin a revenge campaign against one another.

And as far as that cursed black gold, oil pipelines and fields could simply end up as targets. The Iraqi forces will have enough on their hands as it is. Forces like the Awakening, who were paid by U.S. forces; Moqtada al-Sadr's militia, the Mahdi Army; and those posers called al Qaeda in Iraq will keep the reborn nation's military plenty occupied.

It could be that Sunnis and Shiites may just find a reason to fight. All over the world, the power of the gun too often is the final arbiter, and those two clashing groups are no different.

Not to be forgotten are the Kurds -- who are an island amongst themselves living on top of a resource-rich province. Oddly enough, it seems the ones in Iraq the U.S. pays attention to, but the ones Turkey fights in its own country are not on the American radar. Either way, the Kurdish militia known as the pesh merga and the many people dreaming of a Kurdistan will not fade from the international community anytime soon.

With this uncomfortable mesh of people and competing priorities, and no WMDs to be found, I'm only left with six words: What the fuck were we thinking?

$.6 trillion off -- what a bargain!

There was a healthy government rebate announced earlier in the day regarding health care legislation.

Those crafty accountants in Congress somehow figured a way to go from $1.6 trillion to a thrifty $1 trillion price tag for overhauling health care. Now, that's a regular Kmart Blue Light special!

Any savings help, but in the warped world of pork barrel spending, rider bills and filibuster shenanigans, the math is always skewed.

Even though health care should be of the utmost concern for the cast of Cocoon wandering the halls of American legislation, both sides of the aisle will manage to up the partisanship through it all.

There has to be a balance between the worlds of insurance or death, and those scary words "socialized medicine." But balance in D.C. is hard to find, and it often never lasts very long.

Regardless of what letter follows their name, the more our legislators do, the more nervous I get.

Reality TV interrupted by reality

(AP Photo)

One of many signs of a stupidity epidemic in this country is reality TV.

I hate to say this, especially during a traumatic time for some, but ADD will prevent most from getting to this sentence.

The trauma is relative to fans of Jon & Kate, who just got a reality bitch slap in the form of divorce. The truest plot twist of all!

So forget about a nuclear North Korea, Iran's election, wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the economy -- we need to rally around this situation.

On a familial note, I would hope the salaries earned on the show would provide for all of the kids. Guess I'll have to work the ever-so-vital entertainment news beat a little harder.

And the use of the word "vital" is no joke: I mean, this country would be a rudderless ship without Mary Hart. It always worries me when "Entertainment Tonight" is some people's six o'clock news.

In the end, when writers in film and TV give up and just churn out real-life garbage and remakes, the nation's collective brain gets a little mushier. Though I am happy Flava Flav is working.

p.s. For those few sorry bastards who read the previous post, if Jon & Kate isn't a natural transition from the Iran election, then John Tesh isn't an American treasure.

Iran declares nuclear war on social media; Twitter prepares for war

The day the ayatollah met Facebook, that's when the shit went down.

I'm absolutely positive that's how the history books will be written about Iran's current situation. The media coverage of the election protests was giving me a case of the giggles this Sunday morning -- when news powerhouses line up their guests and a panel of their own kind to discuss whatever the flavor of the week is.

(A pissy side note: How come people are getting whacked on a daily basis in Somalia, but watching news coverage you wouldn't think such a country existed? Yet Iranians with cellphones and computers is hot shit??)

Some are so consumed with discussing how the U.S. and Obama could be influencing events, as well as the diabolical war machine known as social media, that they don't ever discuss the ultimate authority, Ayatollah Khamenei (I think the guy got the job because of his last name) and the Guardian Council.

On top of that, what coverage has anyone even given to Mousavi's ideas and policies? We don't even know if the world would get more of the same even if the current bozo left the big top.

Yes, America is just fantastic, but could it be that we truly don't know shit when it comes to certain countries' affairs? Only time will tell if cable news can start prepping their Ayatollah Upheaval coverage -- with dramatic music accompaniment, of course.

P.S. Happy Father's Day to all you ayatollahs out there!!

McCain embraces filthy hippies, buys a hybrid

(AP Photo)

Yes, according to the AP, Senator McCain bought a Ford Fusion. He even Tweeted about it!

Slow down, Senator. Your 21st century rollercoaster is too much for this passenger to handle! Next thing you know, there'll be a "My Friends" blog blasting off into the blogosphere.

At least he bought from a manufacturer that didn't take any of the government bailout. And for once, the green a politician is going after isn't the almighty dollar.

Now, if we could only harness the hot air that emanates from within the halls of the Senate and House of Representatives, then a whole new era of energy efficiency would begin.

Everybody's a winner in Iran election

Mousavi vs. Ahmadinejad -- it just rolls off the tongue.

The incumbent and candidate are just two of the contenders in Iran's presidential election, but apparently both have won.

(Hey Tehran, where's the love for chief of Islamic Revolutionary Corps Mohsen Rezaei and former Parliament Speaker Mehdi Karroub? Or do you want to be more American-like and embrace bullshit-ridden bipartisan politics, consistently refusing to count higher than two?)

Finishing the ballot count is a mere oversight, so "the definite winner" and "Members Only" Mahmoud can get started right away.

The current fellow hasn't exactly lit up the scoreboard with regards to the economy, and no matter what corner of the world, that's always a hot-button issue -- even where people don't know what a hot button is.

Though I don't know the translation, as a part-time international election campaign chief, I'd say in Arabic: "It's the economy, stupid."

No matter. With Iran, the ayatollahs run the show, anyhow. All politicians eventually wear out their welcome, and the current jackass is no exception. Here's hoping the welcome is worn sooner rather than later.

Oh, you crazy Korean!

(AP Photo)

Everyone's favorite crazy Korean, Kim Jong-Il, is now using Pyongyang-style law and order to cry out for attention. (I wonder how many TNT/TBS repeats he watches a day??)

Combine the sentencing of two reporters to 12 years of hard labor with repeated missile/nuclear tests and threats to neighbors, and it seems as though Mr. Il's health problems have gone straight to his enchanting-looking head.

But really, having already starved some of his people and sent some to labor camps, all the while investing in military might, it's safe to say he had already punched his ticket to dictatorial cuckoo land in most of the world's eyes.

Unfortunately, no matter how much you may dislike the Dear Rodent, um, I mean Leader, we should engage for the sake of the aforementioned two reporters and their families.

The U.S. government has dealt with nutjobs throughout the history of the so-called international community, so why do we try to differentiate? We've supported some awful people (see Cold War); so is sitting at a table with one really anywhere near as awful?

Despite all these questions, the most important could be: When he and his oversized glasses are six feet under, is there any chance his successor son will lean on that Swiss education to be more of this Earth?

In this crazy-ass world, I'd lean toward the "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" result.

Cairo crazy for Obama?

(AP photo)

President Obama's speech in Egypt has gotten good early returns, but the yays and nays don't really matter, except for media fodder. It's a matter of getting his wordy campaign slogan "Change" to translate into Arabic.

Truth be told, all these trips just look like glad-handing media junkets half the time. Sure, there may be serious concerns and issues discussed beyond the news world's eye, but every country's government -- ally or enemy -- has its own self-serving interests. Shockingly enough, corruption and cronyism can even creep into the mix.

In the end, Obama could hold town-hall meetings with Dr. Phil and the Muslim world for months on end, and it would still take an army of babes in burqas and caramel-flavored Korans to get people to get along.

China government all a Twitter

Those lovable part paranoid, part powermad communists in China have declared war on the dire and immediate threat that is social networking sites, more specifically Twitter.

Any forum for discussion, or in their eyes "dissent," doesn't stand a chance. And though I am fed up with hearing about Twitter just as my fellow comrades in Beijing are, banning doesn't resolve anything -- though less attention for Ashton Kutcher wouldn't hurt.

However, regardless of your party affiliation, communist or capitalist, socialist or libertarian, everyone should recognize that anything government-controlled is bound to be screwed up -- whether it's state-owned media in a authoritarian-type political system or a financial bailout in a democratic system infected with bipartisanship.

How long can China's government actually maintain a tight grip on today's fast-moving technology? They're bound to fall behind as the world goes forward; it's only a matter of time.

On a brighter note, glad to see GM selling its Hummer line to China. It's about time China bought some of our crap.

p.s. My apologies for my previous alcohol/rage-fueled post. Sometimes papa needs a drink.

Due to technical difficulties...

I'm too drunk to blog. Though I'm proud to say, I was driven home. I pity the fool!!!

p.s. Go fuck yourself.

Kim Jong Ill in the Head

(Pic from Global Security.org)

As if wars in Iraq and Afghanistan; Iran President Ahmadinejad and his Members Only jacket; increasing violence in Pakistan; and that good old reliable clusterfuck known as the Middle East wasn't enough -- the world now has the latest and greatest shitstorm: a nuclear North Korea with an increasingly whacky leader.

How effective and how far reaching is up for debate. But if you live in Seoul, this can't be a very relaxing time. We still have troops on the DMZ (demilitarized zone), but apparently that's not enough attention for Kim Jong Ill in the Head.

North Korea's military is always put first, at the expense of regular citizens who have endured famine, and some labor camps. Obviously, the man already doesn't care much for his people.

Add on the fact that he's had a stroke and is not in the best of health, and that's someone who truly doesn't give a fuck. Plus, with glasses like that, wouldn't you be pissed off most of the day?

Overdue memo to Cheney: Shut the fuck up

On a day honoring true heroes, I hate to waste keystrokes on the politician mentioned in the above, perhaps strongly worded, title. However, it's not healthy to hold things in.

How does a man who holed up in Moordoor during his entire eight years as VP suddenly decide it's time for a media shit-talking tour with that lovable sneer and Skeletor-like charm?? (For those not schooled in the tales of He-Man, my apologies)

I do recall him talking up mushroom clouds and nuclear arsenal regarding the impending doom of Iraq, but other than that shovel of bullshit being delivered to the American people, I don't know of many other occasions.

Let's see, he served in an administration that failed to capture bin Laden; let Afghanistan and Pakistan be re-inhabited by the Taliban: rang up a trillion deficit (one issue of bipartisanship in American politics) while sending billions of military aid to an illegitimate ruler in Pakistan; and went from a weapons of mass destruction crusade in Iraq to a liberating force.

Consistency and clearness do not seem to be hallmarks of his most recent work.

I could go on, but on a day meant to honor those who serve this country, why bother ranting about so many of those in Washington who seem to only do a disservice to this country.

God bless those who serve America and make it possible for opinionated asses like the former VP and myself to bitch and moan.

Hottest resort in Cuba on everyone's mind

An enduring example of one of the many messes our former president got to hand over before slithering back to Crawford, Texas, is that trendy resort we keep hearing about called Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Though it ranks in the Top 10 of the most recent issue of Jihadist Getaways, it is a place that no Democrat or Republican seems to have an inkling what to do with, much less what the tab is for taxpayers in the long run.

The winner and loser of this past election said they think it should be closed, but with no real plans offered. Now, the cast of "Cocoon," aka the Senate, and the House of Yahoos, aka the House of Representatives, have bucked President Obama's push to shut Gitmo down. Look out, world, the Congress is looking for details!

What was interesting to me was how the idea of keeping the prisoners in the U.S. was quickly shot down -- the thought being that they could coordinate attacks from within a federal Supermax facility. Where were all the congressional hissy fits when that brush-clearing genius Mr. Bush transferred at least 60 of the inmates, albeit overseas?

Whether it's a pearl of wisdom from Sun Tzu or Michael Corleone, whatever happened to keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Or do we actually have more faith in a facility on a completely different continent than our own?

As far as coordinating attacks from within our prisons, a bigger question in my mind is: How are the gangsters that currently run criminal operations out of prison any different? It may not be a terrorist attack on the masses, but Americans are dying on U.S. city streets because of it.

Could it possibly be that lives are valued differently by certain people in power depending on skin color and what tax bracket you're in?

Bubba goes to Haiti

The naming of Bill Clinton as the U.N.'s special envoy for Haiti is a definite boost for the U.N. and its blue-helmet spectators, i.e. peacekeepers, that don't seem to have many fan clubs among the Haitian people. I mean, Bubba can work a crowd, as long as he doesn't have his saxophone.

Of course, he should have more impact since he has no responsibility related to the peacekeepers.

However, the U.S. hasn't had a crystal-clear policy on dealing with the impoverished country themselves, serving as personal escort to a certain Mr. Aristide in and out of the country at different times of political turmoil. Not exactly a "for the people" type of involvement.

Granted, there is aid that goes to Haiti, but a sustained effort at building a sustainable Haitian society always slips from the world's grasp.

Agriculture and education go hand in hand for making a decent future an option for people of any country, but they always come in last it seems. Imagine the money saved by the World Food Programme if sustainable agriculture was a priority and on everyone's radar. Agronomists, hydrologists, geologists and any other science people ending in "ist" I'm forgetting could be enlisted to look at potential or failed land in which ever host country.

Maybe the U.S. State Department should sponsor a country a year, where the majority of its aid resources are poured into a smaller country such as Haiti.

The rest of the world could pull the weight elsewhere -- unlikely to happen with the dysfunctional, diplomatic clusterfuck known as the United Nations -- and we could build one village at a time, since as we all know, it takes a village. (Mrs. Clinton, I'll expect my check in the next two weeks)

Those damn Catholics

President Obama's trip to Notre Dame has pro-lifers up in arms and is a vivid reminder of one issue that divides many Americans. Aside from the never-ending abortion argument, one of mankind's creations that seems to cause more problems than solutions is organized religion.

Faith is a personal, private matter that shouldn't keep different people with different beliefs from at least sharing their points of view without using blood-soaked baby strollers to make a point.

I wonder if there was the same uproar when two pro-death penalty presidents, Reagan and the elder Bush (the smart one), spoke at Notre Dame? Or does all that Catholic guilt have some so mixed up they can't separate their church-issued bingo cards from their history books?

And isn't this the same faith that protects child-molesting priests and simply shuffles them along to a new position?

Beliefs shouldn't become blinders made of fear and ignorance, but it seems like too often people just hear what they want to hear.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a line of nuns with extra-thick rulers waiting at my front door.

My slackerdom and a sharia solution

As I've taken yet another 8-day getaway, I can't help but come to the conclusion that I am nowhere near as computer-centric as a fair share of people are in the world today, minus those elderly folks who are terrified that computers are going to steal their prescriptions.

I mean, there's enough craziness in the world today for a bullshitter to keep shoveling 'til the cows come home, but my stench gets to me after a while.

Speaking of (or writing of) craziness in the world, a local news story in my neck of the woods has me disgusted and inspired at the same time. Sad to say, it's nothing unique -- someone convicted of sexually abusing two little girls, ages 3 and 5, and possessing child porn. The disgust should be obvious.

But more importantly, why are these individuals seemingly back in the community immediately after their crime and simply registered as a sexual offender on a Web site so folks in the community can have the address of their local neighborhood perv? And why do we pay tax money to house nonviolent offenders in large numbers while these sick fucks are released?

Those questions aside, my inspiration comes in the form of a proper deterrent for this.

Plain and simple: castration. It may have a little spicy sharia flavor to it, but so be it. What more of a deterrent for a male could you possibly use? If you're not going to lock them up and make them Bubba's girlfriend for an extended honeymoon, at least make them walk funny so they stand out even more.

When I think of my next appendage-lopping-off Justice Department proposal, you'll be the first to know.

Mexico's drug war: Made in USA

As the bodies pile up from drug cartels gone wild in our neighbor Mexico, it is obvious these folks fighting to the death have a pretty hefty profit they're concerned about keeping.

But the demand that is feeding this bloody southern supply does not come from within a town like Ciudad de Juarez' borders. This problem is American-made. In fact, even the guns in the hands of many of the illegal entrepreneurs are stamped with Made in the USA. Something tells me Texas alone has a fair number of gun shops.

So why not decriminalize, grow our own bad habits -- or we can buy our dope from our northern, less bloodthirsty neighbor Canada?

Sure, there'll be a black market for any product being pushed, but the profit would be taken out of it for many dealers. And what government doesn't like a new item to tax? Not to mention tax dollars saved by getting some nonviolent drug offenders treatment instead of taxpayer-funded trips to prison through a revolving door.

Plus, agriculturally speaking, some struggling farmers could be given a new cash crop or two. And job creation would be a part of any such farming operation due to the necessary security guards and infrastructure to keep your local potheads from having too much of a green thumb and going on a midnight crop run.

Despite all of these cutting-edge, slightly off-kilter ideas, something tells me our country will keep on keepin' on with that good old status quo regarding our neighbor to the south:

Build a wall on the border and hope we can keep our favorite gardener and drywall guy.

Pakistan is Fucked-istan: Love thy neighbor

Yes, it's happening. Get ready to rock, Karachi!

Part one of my hard-hitting series on a country that requires 24-7 attention by an administration that, you could say, has its hands full.

One of many foreign policy crises at the moment, Pakistan and its problems were ignored for far too long, and it's coming back to bite us in the ass, technically speaking.

(Pakistan Visitor Center image provided by AP)

Before anything can happen, folks in that neighborhood have to learn how to get along or it's all for nothing. In fact, there's this country named Afghanistan -- you know, the one we invaded related to this thing called 9/11 and this guy named Osama bin Laden -- which comes to mind.

Whereas we have Mexican drug cartels doing some bloody cross-border business, Afghanistan has to deal with militants holidaying on the other side of the Pakistani border before going for a nice suicide bombing stroll.

The area known as Waziristan was mentioned in wire reports long before anyone wanted to open their eyes to the extremist breeding ground that could easily creep into Karachi, Lahore or Islamabad.

In fact, there's a not-so friendly group of bearded gentleman known as the Taliban now operating in Afghanistan and Pakistan. I can recall a speech by this not-so bright guy who lived on Pennsylvania Avenue (in between clearing brush in Crawford, Texas) proclaiming the Taliban have been eliminated in America's grand war on terror.

Considering our strategy for dealing with Pakistan's border problems is Predator drones, the words "intelligence on the ground" seem to be nonexistent. For every militant actually killed in the drone operations, there are three created from the civilian casualties that sometimes come as part of the strikes.

But does anyone really think the words "government" and "intelligence" can ever truly intersect?

More importantly, who'da thunk giving billions of military aid to a general who took power wouldn't work out? I mean, supporting coups, pre- or post-power grab, has always been a sound strategy for the U.S.

Don't worry, Musharraf and Bush will straighten it out... oh, wait a minute.

Specter the Defector

For one of those crazy libertarian people like myself, the fact that Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter going to the other side of the aisle was such a news hard-on for the monstrosity known as mass media was pretty amusing.

In my horrific time working on congressional hearings, he was one of the few rational, bearable windbags on the Hill. And evolving as a human being would seem to always be a positive thing -- unless it's being reported on Fox News.

The fact that someone not constantly toeing the party line even exists is certainly a miracle in itself, but bipartisan bullshit will always prevail. How can you get anything done when you're surrounded by idiots?

Plus, it's hard to figure whether it's best to have one group of dipshits have their way, or two groups of dipshits in gridlock and not enabled to fuck up in the name of legislation.

At the bare minimum, for at least one day, Specter can say he was bigger than the swine flu pandemic.

Swine flu has media in hog heaven

There is a swine flu pandemic sweeping through the country -- only it's occurring much more in network newsrooms compared to the nation's living rooms. Informing people is one thing; bumping up the hysteria potential with that classic "beating a dead horse" angle is another.

Cases have been confirmed across about five states at this point, but the minor detail buried in the story is no reported deaths and a much more milder strain compared to our southern neighbor. It's good to get the word out, but superficial soundbites and taglines don't help anyone but the individuals adding it to their portfolio.

Yes, the genetic hybrid nature of this strain is worth paying attention to, and the lives lost in Mexico are frightening enough.

But despite the fact folks here exposed to "Babe fever" are simply going through flu-like symptoms -- who'da thunk? -- every corner will be staked out by your local senior swine flu correspondent until every last drop of Tamiflu is taken.

I'll keep my fingers crossed that this won't be the case for long, but I can already hear Anderson Cooper screaming sooey now.

Back in the saddle...and still bitching

It's funny how life can make inane entries on a computer be quickly forgotten. Though I'm one of the few that has not gotten on this thing they call the book of faces, or I believe it's FaceNovel, so I'm really out of the loop altogether.

The thing is, if you don't like networking, and you're pretty antisocial for the most part like myself, why the fuck would you join an online social network?

Thinking back to time spent overseas with no television (GASP!), computer (THE HORROR!) or car, it would be impossible for the average dipshit in this country to believe that I was happy as could be despite being in that ever unpredictable Third World (Can someone tell me where the Second World is?)

Of course, using the average dipshit is probably a low standard to begin with, but that's what cynics do.

A failed state with no fish

Somalia has found a potential home in the 24-7 news cycle.

How long will it last? Who knows with the idiot empire we live in known as the United States of ADD.

Considering that the most in-depth knowledge people have of the East African country is the movie "Blackhawk Down" -- note that I said movie and not military mission -- my hopes aren't very high.

The sad thing is that this is a country that has not had a functioning government in 18 years, yet one American being kidnapped from a cargo ship turns into a miniseries for every media member taking part in the collective beating of the dead horse known as breaking news.

Even sadder is the thought that a teenage girl being stoned to death after saying she was raped never amounted to more than a one-day story that didn't resonate beyond some mediocre print coverage and a passing mention on the crawl that runs below your anchor of choice.

Our country walked out when a soldier's body was dragged through the street by clan militia, and the international community has turned a blind eye altogether since then it seems. As a side note, I quite vividly recall contractors strung up on a bridge early in the current Iraq military operation and we're still there.

Back to my continent of choice.

Now Islamic militancy has found a home, and the problem could get worse -- though, living in the Wild West of Africa, where guns and money mean power, hasn't exactly been paradise for many Somali people.

However, the pirates who have sailed onto our TV screens should not be confused with terrorism so much. Of the hostages taken, only a few have lost their lives, and it is a profit-driven business in a country where desperation drives motivation.

[What is of concern is the fact that the militant Al-Shabab may find more recruits in a failed state with a flimsy government. Their aim doesn't appear to be stretched beyond the border of their own country, but that is of no comfort for the everyday Somali. Piracy did slow under a brief period of Islamist rule, but what are the tradeoffs for people who live there?]


Desperate people do desperate things. The commercial fishing industry and its accompanying overconsumption have much more to do with what unemployed fishermen are doing with a GPS and RPG in hand than a motivation to wage war on other nations' maritime industries.

President Obama is to be applauded for overseeing the Navy Seals' operation, but his focus will also have to be turned toward what's happening on the ground in Somalia, not out in the sea. If people do not have stability on land, then the shoreline will be no different.

The pirates may just have done the average Somali a favor by docking their ship at the world's front door. Or Johnny Depp will soon be appearing in CBS' Pirates in the Caribbean 17: Mogadishu Mix-Up, which isn't good for anybody.

An Easter inquiry answered

(AP Photo)

As Easter Sunday winds to a close, and my stomach churns with Cadbury creme eggs, I am left pondering a single question: What in the hell do baskets filled with chocolate and the arrival of an egg-bearing rabbit have to do with the day of Jesus' resurrection, as Christians see it?

These WASPy folks can be very tricky sometimes, hence my curiosity. However, not even a few sentences into this soul-searching post, I have stumbled upon the truth.

According to the fellow who came up with the whole AD/BC dating system back in the 8th century, Easter was named after the goddess of spring Eostre. She is actually associated with the egg and the hare -- symbols of procreation in the church's eyes -- so one of humankind's asinine holiday creations actually has reasoning behind it.

Now if someone can explain how the day of Christ's birth, indoor pine trees and a senior citizen in a flying sled are linked, then we're all good.

Nuclear threat not 'so 1950s' after all

(AP Photo)

To think all this time after the Cold War has been over that humankind would still be dealing with the chance of a nuclear conflict would probably seem ridiculous to people who lived through the time of "mutually self-assured destruction."

Good thing kids then were trained to get under a wooden desk. Chalk one up to the government on that one.

Sarcasm aside, there's plenty of conflict in the world without adding on the science of splitting an atom's nucleus as a nice atomic icing. And though some seem to think the new U.S. president is Jesus minus the sandals, nuclear disarmament is the miracle of all miracles that is very unlikely.

Really, Russia and the U.S. are the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac of the nuclear meltdown, but that was established a long time ago. Whether we have a whack job like Ahmadinejad and his tan Members Only jacket in our driver's seat, or the rodeo imbecile that just left the Oval Office, there's enough hypocrisy to go around.

A much scarier prospect is the number of nations with what some would call not-so stable governments who have been shoppers in the nuclear marketplace. Not to mention those partaking in the A.Q. Khan Weapons-Grade Waffle House.

For the U.S., resolving Kashmir would appear to be Obama's best route to erase any thought of an India-Pakistan nuclear war, but Pakistan is becoming messier and messier by the minute. Look no further than Mumbai for proof of that. India's neighbor will be featured in my upcoming "Pakistan is Fucked-istan" series.

For any country that has already entered the nuclear stage, those who have the goods will simply stockpile -- a better solution than a more proactive use, that's for sure.

However, to end on a sunshiny note, I'm sure mankind will find some other way to fuck one another over -- we always do -- but at least a few less fingers will be on some very dangerous triggers.

My musical mortality

I realized my own musical mortality today.

Apparently, the fact that iTunes will now charge the horrific rate of $1.29 for some songs is very newsworthy.

Just as print journalism sees its own grim reaper in Web news sites, blogs and Twitter, and the printed book faces the same fate in Kindle (though, don't underestimate an increasingly illiterate America as well), us musical dinosaurs wandering through record stores will soon be out-of-tune castaways.

Reptilian Records, CD Depot, Record & Tape Traders, The Sound Garden, Record & Tape Exchange -- the list of places in Maryland I've spent days digging through used vinyl, cassettes and CDs goes on and on, just like a jam band that's smoked one too many joints.

No matter how convenient iTunes is, you can't beat the exhilaration of scoring Jimi Hendrix's "Axis Bold as Love" and Miles Davis' "Kind of Blue" full-length albums for $6 each -- especially for a confused young caucasian like myself who was just beginning to explore the dark and rich roots of American music.

I know my non-digital blues is falling on tone-deaf ears (far too many musical puns for one line), but I'm sure there's still at least a few diehards like me left who like dropping the needle and hearing that scratchy sound of vinyl.

And now that I've made myself feel 20-plus years older than I am, it's time to read my Reader's Digest, drink my prune juice and scratch myself for 20 minutes to those young rabble rousers The Righteous Brothers.

Let the suffering begin

(Reuters photo)

With a whole week of absolute slackerdom behind me, and a heavy hangover in tow from the previous night, I've managed to claw my way back to the keyboard. Apparently timeliness in blogging is something this jackass doesn't get.

Anyhow, though there are a multitude of topics swirling in my cranium -- at least in between the rivers of vodka -- there is also a grand American tradition looming known as Opening Day. And from the part of town where I'm from, Baltimore, the thought of baseball season is just downright apocalyptic.

It's the pitching, stupid. That's all I can possibly say to any delusional O's fan who doesn't think we're due to endure another brutal stretch run after our bullpen's tires have fallen off from chronic abuse in the first half of the year.

When your No. 3 is some castaway from the Mexican League, and NBA reject Mark Hendrickson and Adam "Where the Fuck Did He Come From" Eaton round out your starting five, I'd say it's time to start selling more liquor at the stadium -- and harder liquor at that.

I also would like to suggest a raffle in dog days of August and September that allows one lucky spectator to play an inning in any infield or outfield position he or she chooses. So when we're calling up guys from Bluefield to fill the roster, and it's a swampy 99 degrees at Camden Yards, maybe a few people might give two shits about coming out to the park.

Either way, my masochistic self will be watching the O's, just as I have since I was driving my 1976 Chevy Malibu to Memorial to watch diamond legends such as Sam Horn, Randy "Moose" Milligan and the greatest fielding left fielder in my own delusional mind, Slak, aka Joe Orsulak.

Here's a little reason for hope concerning our pitching rotation: I hear Jose Mercedes has been spotted throwing Natty Bo cans with velocity and movement in an alley off of Guilford Avenue.

Another note of optimism, I believe we'll finish paying the contracts of Jay Gibbons, Albert Belle and Glenn Davis after this season.

Play ball!!

Cuba's WMDs: Good baseball and even better cigars

(Pic courtesy of Associated Press)

With President Obama being overseas, I can't help but be in a foreign affairs state of mind. It's also a weakly veiled attempt at me transitioning to one of my favorite subjects.

The world being the mess that it is at times, I truly think this gentleman who inherited the best job at the worst possible time -- our president -- should start small with his foreign policy objectives. At least the ones that don't require immediate attention, which are few and far between.

As the fourth attache to the cultural aide of the former secretary of the now-defunct State Department Office of Cultural Things You Wouldn't Understand, I am putting forth Cuba as the perfect beginning for this exercise.

Our embargo has run its course and Fidel has run his. So why do we still have this outdated fossilized policy from the Cold War? Communism isn't the "ism" of concern currently; it's that other "ism" that starts with terror. The Bay of Pigs wasn't exactly a crowning moment in and of itself, so the old-school approach could probably use some retooling.

In the end, embargoes and sanctions just hurt the general populace; the exact folks we want on our side while we're meddling in their country's affairs for whatever reason.

Besides, when it comes down to it, the only weapons of mass destruction Cuba has are good baseball players and even better cigars.

Obama hopes G20 fills out his bingo card

This week, President Obama gets an all-expenses paid trip to overcast, wet, pasty-faced London for the G20 summit. Topic of discussion? You guessed it, the economy.

Will there be any true examples of leadership or innovation at this summit, or a lot of back-patting and empty soundbites? Let's hope for the former, but these are politicians, people, so don't get your hopes up.

Of course, don't forget the great panoramic shots of street protests, too. At least presidential mask makers (see above pic courtesy of AP) get an economic stimulus out of the deal.

All the countries our president really needs to be focused on are no part of the G20: Pakistan, North Korea, Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan. Each presents their own set of problems, and unfortunately Obama will just have to add it to his list of ongoing and upcoming headaches.

Look for the end of this week to be a particularly Tylenol PM-worthy moment for our leader when a certain nutjob with oversized glasses prepares to launch a "satellite" from North Korea.

Old news

With cuts at The Washington Post and The New York Times the latest to hit the press, the death of old-school journalism has become old news. Ideas to save it are few and far between, though Maryland Senator Ben Cardin did pitch a nonprofit business model, and should be applauded for at least the effort.

But if news operations don't make their best effort to create a sustainable Web format, then the copy will come to a grinding halt. Sure, there may be some stalwarts that live longer lives, but the people who do want to stay informed and consume the news have computers to read it on.

And though I like getting ink on my fingers, I feel like you could find a good number in the country who don't really read to begin with. And lord knows, at least in my immediate vicinity, knowledge of current affairs is not really on the radar of a lot of folks.

Talk radio and the idiot box, that thing that provides a warm glow to all of our living rooms, probably don't help intellectual curiosity as much as they should either.

Anything that airs the game show "Hole in the Wall" shows the legions of brain dead have grown in this country. Although, jockeys vs. sumo wrestlers and tow truck drivers vs. female karate experts sounds mighty tempting.

But really, let's face it. Between failing schools and the language of texting, the death of the English language is looming. In which case, two thoughts come to mind: WTF and what time's Lancelot Link come on?

Mother Nature's bitch slap

Does anyone know what's under their feet -- beneath the asphalt, city dwellers -- on a daily basis?

Maybe I've missed my scheduled dose of meds, but the wonders of earth science and the horrors of politicians talking about science -- whether it's volcano monitoring or global warming -- have me contemplating what lurks below.

The age of the Earth compared to our all-consuming species is just mind boggling to a certified dufus like me. From subduction zones to hydrothermal vents on the ocean floor, our planet is absolutely fucking amazing, to put it in academic terms.

(Editor's note: I had to bring the word "dufus" back. My life is fulfilled.)

Unfortunately, we are just another species in a habitat that does not offer infinite resources -- and it's the whole infinite thing that seems to be a problem for us. Perhaps that's why Mama Earth must bitch slap us every now and again with every cable news network's wet dream: the natural disaster.

A volcano such as Mount Redoubt (pic courtesy of AP) is a perfect example of how the Earth is always churning and transferring energy in one form or another right in our midst -- except Redoubt is a much more dramatic, violent demonstration of those internal workings.

On that note, we all must pray for the people of Alaska, who have to live with not only Sarah Palin but also volcanoes like Mount Redoubt.

When do nontoxic assets become toxic?

A question with no point? Most likely.

However, with a mighty English degree in hand, and a lifelong avoidance of numbers, I am confident in stating that whether it's the stimulus package, the bailout bonanza, or the toxic asset clearance sale, the tab due for the next generation will be a sight for sore eyes.

No matter what good intentions he has, Mr. Obama started in a deep hole (see ancient Asian proverb at end of post) and he has to work with the insulated world known as Capitol Hill, so it's easy to predict it will get worse before it gets better.

With Congress, regardless of whether a D or R comes after their last name, worse could have varying extremes. If you watch enough C-Span -- in which case, I would recommend changing your current medication -- the House of Representatives quickly becomes House of Yahoos.

One solution to offer in my bid to join the administration despite my disdain for the bipartisan system: With the catch phrase "toxic assets" being the news anchor flavor of the moment, I can only think that financial education needs to be aggressively pushed in public schools. If you're not educated, how do you know if you're dealing with a predatory lender? I recall some finance education in my high school economy class, but I also recall failing the class and not giving two shits about a stock index.

Ancient saying by wise Asian sage Yi Grabowski: When one is handed a shit sandwich, one will undoubtedly make a stink in cleaning it up.

Sports tourism stimulus package

Before I rest my bracket-filled eyes, one post to add to my burgeoning collection.

Maybe economically depressed cities such as Detroit should get to be permanent hosts of sporting events like the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship as a way to boost the city, even if it amounts to a seasonal economy. Every little bit helps when faced with the fact that the once stalwart of the Motor City -- the auto industry -- will be dealing with reinventing itself for some time to come or face economic extinction.

Another not-so hot travel spot to use sports tourism in an economic assistance manner: How about Mississippi hosting the Super Bowl for four years? Why the hell else would you be in Tupelo?

President Obama will be sure to get these proposals first thing in the morning.

An introduction of sorts

Well, to begin with, I have not a fucking clue as to what I am doing in this world known as the blogosphere.

Could it be to prove that there is merit in my blog title? Though I can be a cynical prick, it is not a full-time job for me. And though those adorable jackass penguins in my profile pic are posting 50 blogs a day in their home country of South Africa, I'm not on the Web to insult fellow bloggers.

Maybe I need a place to vent, moan and bitch, stand on my imaginary soapbox and fill the public square known as the Internet with even more blather from yet another know-it-all American whose opinion could be worth as much as the dollar?

Of course, at least with text, I'm not contributing to greenhouse gases and global warming with lots of hot air like so many talking heads and ranting radio hosts we know and love do on a daily basis.

All of this reasoning aside, rational or irrational, I can only promise for the sorry few that wander on to this blog that I hope to enlighten or enrage you with my wordsmith ways and loving embrace of profanity.

For my next, more sizable post, expect anything from March Madness to Madagascar's power shift to the current and delightful economic clusterfuck to be a topic of discussion.