Shoe hurler plots stiletto attack on former President Bush

Yes, let the bells of freedom ring loud! The infamous Iraqi who threw a mean splitfinger fastball in the form of foot attire at our lovable dufus W is set for early release.

Word is the Bush family is building a shoe-proof barricade, similar to the Mexican Wall, around their Crawford compound. The former president refuses to stop clearing brush, so the feds will have to extend the wall out further.

The Department of Homeland Security has also issued the newest acronym that threatens America's shores: LMD, or Loafer of Mass Destruction. And President Obama is now requesting that reporters remove their shoes outside of the briefing room before news conferences begin.

OK, the shoe hilarity will come to a halt, but remember one thing: Never trust an Iraqi wearing one loafer.

Next stop for hikers captured in Iran? Darfur hostel tour

As a person who enjoys hiking in the outdoors, I couldn't help but wonder what in the hell the American hikers now being held in Iran were thinking.

I've had my share of adventure, from skydiving to poisonous snakes to rafting down the mighty Zambezi, but strapping on the boots for a stroll through America's buddies in the Middle East just does not spark a fire in me.

I mean, sure I've always wanted to run a falafel stand in Fallujah, but that's purely a business venture. And though the mountainous terrain in northern Iraq probably has some pretty sights that no one would expect, there's something about a war still going on and a neighbor flexing their nuclear muscles that isn't very appealing for outdoor serenity.

Who knows? Maybe the Appalachian Trail really does run from Georgia to Baghdad like my illiterate uncle always told me.

Iraq's double dip of freedom fries

(AP Photo)

This week, U.S. troops leave Iraq's cities. On a more petroleum-based note -- it is the Middle East after all -- the country will also begin auctioning rights to its oil fields.

However, six-plus years later, and there is no guarantee of anywhere near a clean, outright exit for the American military. Who really knows if the militias of the country will begin a revenge campaign against one another.

And as far as that cursed black gold, oil pipelines and fields could simply end up as targets. The Iraqi forces will have enough on their hands as it is. Forces like the Awakening, who were paid by U.S. forces; Moqtada al-Sadr's militia, the Mahdi Army; and those posers called al Qaeda in Iraq will keep the reborn nation's military plenty occupied.

It could be that Sunnis and Shiites may just find a reason to fight. All over the world, the power of the gun too often is the final arbiter, and those two clashing groups are no different.

Not to be forgotten are the Kurds -- who are an island amongst themselves living on top of a resource-rich province. Oddly enough, it seems the ones in Iraq the U.S. pays attention to, but the ones Turkey fights in its own country are not on the American radar. Either way, the Kurdish militia known as the pesh merga and the many people dreaming of a Kurdistan will not fade from the international community anytime soon.

With this uncomfortable mesh of people and competing priorities, and no WMDs to be found, I'm only left with six words: What the fuck were we thinking?

Overdue memo to Cheney: Shut the fuck up

On a day honoring true heroes, I hate to waste keystrokes on the politician mentioned in the above, perhaps strongly worded, title. However, it's not healthy to hold things in.

How does a man who holed up in Moordoor during his entire eight years as VP suddenly decide it's time for a media shit-talking tour with that lovable sneer and Skeletor-like charm?? (For those not schooled in the tales of He-Man, my apologies)

I do recall him talking up mushroom clouds and nuclear arsenal regarding the impending doom of Iraq, but other than that shovel of bullshit being delivered to the American people, I don't know of many other occasions.

Let's see, he served in an administration that failed to capture bin Laden; let Afghanistan and Pakistan be re-inhabited by the Taliban: rang up a trillion deficit (one issue of bipartisanship in American politics) while sending billions of military aid to an illegitimate ruler in Pakistan; and went from a weapons of mass destruction crusade in Iraq to a liberating force.

Consistency and clearness do not seem to be hallmarks of his most recent work.

I could go on, but on a day meant to honor those who serve this country, why bother ranting about so many of those in Washington who seem to only do a disservice to this country.

God bless those who serve America and make it possible for opinionated asses like the former VP and myself to bitch and moan.