Shoe hurler plots stiletto attack on former President Bush

Yes, let the bells of freedom ring loud! The infamous Iraqi who threw a mean splitfinger fastball in the form of foot attire at our lovable dufus W is set for early release.

Word is the Bush family is building a shoe-proof barricade, similar to the Mexican Wall, around their Crawford compound. The former president refuses to stop clearing brush, so the feds will have to extend the wall out further.

The Department of Homeland Security has also issued the newest acronym that threatens America's shores: LMD, or Loafer of Mass Destruction. And President Obama is now requesting that reporters remove their shoes outside of the briefing room before news conferences begin.

OK, the shoe hilarity will come to a halt, but remember one thing: Never trust an Iraqi wearing one loafer.

Vacation is a beautiful thing despite ugliness of tourists

Mountains, cool lake air...the serenity of nature is an exquisite thing. Spotting deer and black bear can make the outdoors in a place like Western Maryland even more enjoyable.

But there is another species that one can never escape while on vacation. The human species.

It seems we spread everywhere, like the plague, bringing along with us our motorized dependency -- from SUV to powerboat to jet ski to ATV -- and our ADD-infused impatience and downright ignorance.

On the motorized point, a cavalry of meatheads and their combustion engines speeding up and down a lake somehow takes away from the natural ebb and flow of a freshwater lake and the soothing breeze brushing along the shoreline. Not to mention the fluids and fuel that inevitably are released from at least some of the watercraft warriors' choice of transportation.

In the short term, this may be good old-fashioned fun, but in the long term, it does not paint a rosy picture for a lake's overall water quality.

Give us time, and we can mess up anything. And water is one resource, whether under the ground or on the surface, that we just don't seem to comprehend the fragility and importance of.

So while the dipshits of the nation trash their land and bitch about those good old standbys -- gas and oil prices -- maybe we should be renewing a focus on a little resource known as the source of all life.

Real Americans at health care town hall turn out to be Real Idiots

It's Jerry Springer democracy, folks! Made in the USA!! All that's missing is Steve the Bodyguard.

Sometimes I think authoritarian rule might be a good thing for ill-informed citizens who toe their party line 'til death. Primary season would be a lot less excruciating, and we could just rotate from one dipshit party to the next every four years.

All this freedom for Americans only allows us to freely exercise our stupidity and ignorance. The exercise in democracy is: One side bitches, one side moans and nothing gets done. Throw in some seriously skewed math, and you have the recipe for some congressional clusterfuck legislation.

My concern is always cost when it comes to government initiatives, but I'm not going to just yell and shake cardboard signs in front of the face of those I disagree with. Even if it is a solid stimulus package for construction paper manufacturers.

Do the words "constructive debate" mean anything anymore? And though it's good media fodder, do we really need to encourage cable news networks?

Here's a simple rule to follow for my fellow citizens: If you get your information from your favorite news anchor or radio host, step away from the microphone and proceed to shut the fuck up.

Pitchman liked the powder, but at least he didn't beat up a prostitute

Though the deceased have been mostly off limits for me, other than my rant about the gloved one, I couldn't contain my cynical, sarcastic self on this one. Father forgive me.

I don't know who in the hell would watch the show Pitchmen, or infomercials, but some folks are no doubt mourning the loss of Billy Mays. Those of you who have the Crocodile Cutter, Ding King or Lint-Be-Gone, please don't take offense. To each his or her own, no matter how you do your household product shopping.

But do the people who live in this country really need more consumerism pushed in their face? We just accumulate plastic and crap, and then what? No, I do not belong to the Socialist Party, but there's excess with everything, even the holy hog of capitalism.

What's shocking to me is that a guy who got jacked up about vacuum cleaners and sponges was doing cocaine. I mean, next thing we know, the ShamWow guy will be beating up prostitutes -- wait a minute...

Bubba shakes his tail feather for reporters' freedom

Man, that dude is smooth. Saxophone or no saxophone, Slick Willy is one bad mofo.

While his wife is hustling as secretary of state and the current president did his own intercontinental agenda outing before Operation Clintonites could fully launch, all Bill had to do was get on one simple flight to the most closed society in the world outside of Myanmar or Burma -- whichever one it's named this week -- and magic happened.

Kim Jong-Il wasn't prepared for Bubba to show up at his front step and go all Rico Suave on his ass. All the crazy Korean guy wanted was some attention, really. He's like the kid with the coolest new toy -- i.e. nuclear weapons -- and the other kids on the playground still blow him off.

But if anyone should take credit, shouldn't it be, Mr. Bill Bashful himself? I mean, he's been craving attention as well, so it just might have been a perfect fit. One man neglected by the mean old international community and one man neglected by his mean old wife.

Next stop for hikers captured in Iran? Darfur hostel tour

As a person who enjoys hiking in the outdoors, I couldn't help but wonder what in the hell the American hikers now being held in Iran were thinking.

I've had my share of adventure, from skydiving to poisonous snakes to rafting down the mighty Zambezi, but strapping on the boots for a stroll through America's buddies in the Middle East just does not spark a fire in me.

I mean, sure I've always wanted to run a falafel stand in Fallujah, but that's purely a business venture. And though the mountainous terrain in northern Iraq probably has some pretty sights that no one would expect, there's something about a war still going on and a neighbor flexing their nuclear muscles that isn't very appealing for outdoor serenity.

Who knows? Maybe the Appalachian Trail really does run from Georgia to Baghdad like my illiterate uncle always told me.

"Charged with being a black homeowner in Mass." episode not presidential business

Though President Obama is our first black president, that does not mean he should feel obligated to comment on every little racial flare-up of potential ignorance or race-card dealing. Despite his election, racism will never die in this country, sadly. People will always judge and label other people.

And even though Mr. Gates sounded like a grade-A asshole as far as his comments, anybody would get angry in that situation. The police officer should be better than that and the professional in the matter. It's not worth the energy of putting on the cuffs or filling out the paperwork.

The black community and the police don't exactly have a rosy history. If people don't recognize that, they'll never come close to understanding the tension simmering below the surface. It's not like some of the uglier days in American history, when half the force in Mississippi was in the Klan, but people still have a long way to go.

As far as what President Obama could be doing:

How about dealing with some money management, so the generations ahead don't break their collective back picking up the future tab? Or how about some real energy solutions and simultaneous new job creation? Maybe deal with immigration which would knock out a lot of the uninsured masses that are part of the health care hoopla?

Though I'm throwing all this out there, I'm avoiding the true monumental matter at hand for our president: Ensuring that Paula Abdul is gainfully employed and reconciled with American Idol.